Indian-American women have played a critical role in the hotel-motel business in the United States, and the Asian American Hotel Owners’ Association (AAHOA) recognized early on that they were not being publicly acknowledged for their contributions, both as backbones to the survival of immigrant families and also of immigrant businesses in the hospitality industry. At a panel titled ‘Woman: Pillar of Family and Business,’ held at the organization’s annual convention at Nashville, Tenn., from April 24-26, filmmaker Mira Nair and leading businesswomen and academics discussed the travails of balancing family and business and the need for women to know when they must say “No.”

Mira Nair (filmmaker): Someone asked me what is more important in my life, my work or my family. I thought about it. My life would have no meaning without my work and I couldn’t work without my family.

My son is 11 years old and we live in New York. We come from three different continents. My husband is from Africa, though his parents were from Kathiawar (Gujarat), I am from India and my son from the United States.

The thing about what I do as compared to what other women do in business, is that I come from a world of art expression. I always wanted to express myself in a way to affect the world. Film is like a disease. It’s so hard to do. Such a task, that you have to be afflicted by it.

Now, as a mother, I feel what you all must have felt with a child — the juggling act to make everyone happy.

I am here to help promote artistic expression. If your daughter has the inclination, encourage it. It is a huge and powerful tool. And the thing is, we have not gone beyond our oases.

I made ‘Mississippi Masala’ as an Indian woman living between the white and black communities, and the invisible line that separated us. This was about “potels,” before AAHOA became so powerful. I spent four months in the motels of Mississippi. I saw so much similarity between the Indian family and the blacks on the other side of the tracks — both believing in family, the community, and spirituality.

So much racism, as we know, comes from such ignorance.

I continue to do that that — expressing with a view to change the world. I could stop. I have chosen to stay an independent producer. I keep my overheads low. I have an office with two staff in New York City. And I see what I am going to do that will affect things around me. And, before making the two years of commitment to a movie, I have to think: Is it worth the juggling I have to do?

The family keeps me real in my work. And women would understand me here as I am communicating mostly with them. They are the backbone, but not the backseat. I urge you to engage the community around us. Our distinctiveness is our power. We mustour eyes and live fully, encourage our children, do something for society that does not put down where we come from.

NASHEEN ALI SARDAR (actress): When I was 10 years old, I was a tomboy. I played basketball, cricket. I used to think it was a pain to be a woman... Oh God! You have to grow up, marry, have a child!

Today, I think it’s God’s gift to be a woman. It’s not easy. I’m sure a man cannot do what a woman can. You have so many roles to play, and we women have the power to balance that.

Today, I think it’s God’s gift to be a woman. It’s not easy. I’m sure a man cannot do what a woman can. You have so many roles to play, and we women have the power to balance that.

Sally Bartz (Dale Carnegie veteran): Like many of you, I have also been in the same business as my husband, with Dale Carnegie. So I feel I have many things in common with you.

The definition of ‘pillar’ is someone who is the main support of the person or the institution. Eighty percent of CEOs report that a healthy family is crucial to their professional success. You are a pillar of family and business.

One of the most important things is communication. Communication is not the same as talking. Communication is when you are able to make your thoughts clear to the other person. Sixty percent of communication is visual — how you look, how you act when you are getting ready to talk. Thirty percent of communication is your voice; 10 percent is the words.

Communication begins at home. Just because you can communicate at work does not mean you can do it at home. It’s not what we say, it’s how we say it. It’s also not what we say, but what we do.

When you are trying to get an idea through to your children, or your co-workers, your speaking voice should be slower.

Don’t fall into the gap — the culture gap, or the generation gap. Share your goals with your children, bring them in and ask them about their goals. Our children may not know the benefits we have achieved. Let’s define the letters of the world ‘pillar:’

P — Plan what you are going to say at home, or at work;

I — Include others in dreams and plans;

L — Listen, be a good listener;

L — Leadership. All of you are leaders. It is not a job title, it is the ability to influence the behavior of others;

A — Ask questions, including when you need someone to do something. Do it by asking rather than ordering;

R — Respect other people’s opinions. Don’t tell them they are wrong, or they will defend their position forever.

I have never quite understood why so many women with good degrees and jobs never quite succeeded. It seemed like such a shame because they were capable, but were ashamed to be succeeding.

Peggy Berg (CPA and founder of The Highland Group): I am more proud to talk to this group than to any other. Today, we ask about a woman in business — is it possible in any given 24 hours to do this and survive?

It gives me a great sense of security (to work and be financially independent). For one thing, I am terrified of being dependent. Also, I am a woman in business because I like it. It was so logical to be involved because you add up the numbers.

I have never quite understood why so many women with good degrees and jobs never quite succeeded. It seemed like such a shame because they were capable, but were ashamed to be succeeding.

So when in business, do it well. Women who are successful in business are strong. They’ve learned to stand up to men. It forces you to grow, to become a strong person, to become a wiser woman as you grow older and older.

When you are working in a business that is failing, or you have a bad boss, and if you are in a difficult situation and you make it through, you are stronger. But usually there are some people who help you to get through (a bad patch). It’s important we help other people to grow and become stronger. It’s very often men who have seen me through.

There’s a fear out there that maybe there isn’t a man out there for you if you are a successful businesswoman, and strong. I think men like strong independent women.

You learn how to communicate, handle money, etcetera. Things that help us make better mothers, especially when our children grow to be 13-14. The management skills you learn in business can help you run a household.

So although there are only 24 hours in a day, you can be a successful businesswoman and a successful family woman.

Hemlata Pokharna (teaches balance in body, mind and spirit at the University of Chicago): My mission is to make a statement in life as a Jain woman — to teach ways to live, learn, and share the reverence for life.

Congratulations on being so successful. I know a lot of you and how hard it has been from where you came and how you’ve succeeded. I’m here to remind you of what you already know. You already know you are a living, breathing being. So just breath and be present in this moment. As a scientist, there’s only one basic thing I know — that life is a cell which has a molecule which has a DNA, which has knowledge to form a living being. In the same way, each one of you is a cell of humanity. You have a core of wisdom and divinity.

We have the innate core of divinity, of love and light. So when one cell gets affected, the entire body does. You as an individual, as a brick or pillar, need to take very good care of yourself. It affects the entire community.

Every thought that comes to your mind affects your body. The key to all this is the breath, the prana, the ability to breath with awareness. Simply breathing for 20 minutes, or whatever form of connecting with yourself, helps you stay healthy.

(Concerning) Indian women specifically, I see their inability to say “No.” To be able to take good care of themselves, they must be able to say “No” to things that will not enhance their life. In aeroplanes, they say wear the oxygen mask yourself, before you take care of the others.

— By ELA DUTT